disregard my previous entries. he texted me. im so HAPPY. i love him more than anything. next time i see him i'll give him the cd i made him.

pretty sure hes just ghosting me. its not fair. i love him more than anything. why does he choose her over me? i just want to be loved? is that really so much to ask? its only human to desire love, to desire to be treaten gently. he never wanted to treat me like a person. he just wanted to hurt me. he got off on the idea of wanting to beat me and i just took it. i took it because i thought i deserved it... i realize now that i dont deserve that. if i want a guy to treat me nicely, i deserve that. i dont have to take whats handed to me..

ive been waiting in my room so long

i dont even know what to do. he hasnt messaged me in like 4 days, hasnt listened to any music thats been logged on last fm in the same amount of time, obviously i was worried he was hospitalized or something. asked my friend to check his instagram since he has me blocked. tell me why he had a highlight called "her" with pictures of him with who i presume to be his girlfriend. tell me why im always the second choice for him? why cant i be enough? all i want is to be his world, for him to spend his life with me. im so tired of sharing his affection with other people. i just want it to be me and him and no one else. i dont want to fucking share him with anyone. i cant stand it seeing him with someone else. i just wish i could keep him all to myself. im tired of being his hidden little secret while hes out there parading around a fucking girlfriend. that should be me. he told me he'd always love me, even gave me a note slipped inside a dvd copy of stand by me. why cant he just tell the fucking truth. i dont think hes ever told the fucking truth once in his pathetic life.

i just dont understandhow someone could be like that. how someone can talk about how much they love you, about ownership, about obsession, all while saying the same things to someone else. when i told you those things, i was telling the truth. i meant every word i said. i truly cannot live without you. why dont you feel the same? you were my first love, my first kiss, my first fuck. dont you understand that im ruined now for anyone else but you?

i dont see

yesterday, i stopped taking anti-psychotics (with supervision of my doctor). last time i stopped anti-psychotics, i got myself into a lot of trouble. i'm really worried i'll begin to lose touch with reality again. it's a terrifying thing to lose yourself like that. i do a lot of stupid things when i lose myself. i have no self preservation skills whatsoever when im like that. i just do whatever brings me the most pleasure which is usually some pretty fucked shit. most the time, when im like that, i don't even believe im human. i dont think anyone else is real. nothing feels like it will have an effect because everyone is just a simulated ai made by the government and im gods chosen warrior sent to save them all. im so fucking scared.

it's really frusterating because they don't really know whats wrong with me. i've never been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, i'm just on this medication for symptoms like severe paranoia, delusions and minor hallucinations. it doesn't seem right to me but thats whatever. i just wish i knew what was wrong wtih me. it would be nice to know, i guess...